You don't have to wrap yourself in cellophane to keep the marriage fresh.
Jeanne Faulkner is a freelance writer and registered nurse in Portland, Ore. Her work appears regularly in Pregnancy and Fit Pregnancy, and she has contributed articles to the Oregonian, Better Homes & Gardens, Shape and other publications.
As I sit down to write my wisest advice for a long and happy marriage, all I can think of is fancy face creams, my pretty new bra and the dress I'm wearing tonight. Maybe I sound vain, but I prefer to think of myself as a smart married lady. My husband's hot. He's funny, good-looking, interesting, well-employed and a great father who totally gets my sense of humor.
Who would he rather be married to? The lady with the gorgeous dress, pretty skin and great looking underwear who happens to be taking him to the symphony tonight or the one slumped in front of television reruns, wearing Winnie-the-Pooh sweats, an old stretched-out bra and with skin that looks like leather? Hmm, tough choice. Would he rather be married to the happy, healthy, interesting and funny lady who's pretty darn delighted with herself or the one who's cranky, disappointed, boring, unhealthy and totally out of fashion? Hmm, again, I say, tough choice.
I'm not saying women should dress up in cellophane and greet their husbands at the door with Jell-O salad and a smile. (That's so environmentally incorrect. Try waxed paper instead and suspend some Twinkies and Pepperidge Farms goldfish in the Jell-O--a classic construction called "ships in the harbor.) Keep the smile, though. If you get home from work and your spouse is genuinely happy to see you, that makes for a happy marriage. If Jell-O's not your thing and you find waxed paper abrasive, here's my tip for a good marriage: Be the best person you can be. That includes your appearance, profession, hobbies, habits and attitude. Oh, and pick a really good partner. Then treat each other really, really well.
My husband and I were too young to get married and didn't do any of the things experts say you should before getting hitched. I was 21; he was 25. He was a musician and I wasn't sure what the heck I wanted to do. We didn't own a house, had not a nickel to our name and hadn't finished school. We never planned the future beyond "after you're a famous rock star and I'm whatever I'm going to be; let's travel the world then have some kids." We didn't talk about what we'd do with our money and keep separate accounts--mostly because we didn't have any money. We just tossed everything we had into one pot and scrambled.
Experts advise discussing parenting philosophies prior to marriage. Nope, not us. We were too busy avoiding pregnancy to plan one. We didn't put much thought into how we'd stay married. Instead we treated each other thoughtfully and pulled our own weight. The odds were against us for a long marriage, but maybe the odds had nothing to do with it. We loved each other, chose kindness and blundered along as best we could.
Looking back, we could be in the divorced half of marriage statistics instead of 26 years into this thing and pretty darn happy. As life happens and we all hit some of that "for better or worse" stuff, lots of couples fall apart. We got lucky and followed our own Golden Rule of Marriage: Treat each other as you'd like to be treated. I'd like to be treated with respect, supported and loved well by a totally hot man. Except for the "hot man" part, I'd bet my husband wants the same thing.
In surveying couples young and old on marriage advice, the older couples talked a lot about work; the younger couples about play. The newlyweds were dewy-eyed with good intention, and clearly hadn't been through many of life's rough spots yet, but their advice was solid: Have fun together, treat each other kindly, create special rituals, and be appreciative of each other. It's sweet.
The older couples, and I include myself in this category, have been through some tough times together. Really tough. Life and death, illness, money problems, raising children, depression, addiction, aging parents and more. You know … life, the stuff that takes the edge off all that fun and sweetness. But by following the Golden Rule, treating each other lovingly, respectfully and carefully, we hang in there. We try to be our best and treat our partners as if they're the most important person in our world. 'Cuz they are.
Marriage isn't for slackers. Nobody's saying you have to be fabulous all the time. Sometimes I'm a mess. I wake up with raccoon eyes as often as not and get the flu as much as the next gal. Sometimes I can be a real--ahem--witch. I didn't have stretch marks and creaky knees when I was a newlywed. Heck, there was that whole year where I lost my hair and sparkling demeanor while we did time "in sickness and health." Still, if you make an effort to be your best and follow the Golden Rule, it evens out the odds.
All we can do is our best, right? If our spouse does the same, we
get lucky. Those newlyweds with their brand-new marriage licenses have
the right idea. Be kind to each other. Have fun. Try not to take things
too seriously. Don't nag. And my tip: Wear your nice underwear, put on
your pretty dress and take him out to play.
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http://www.marriage-counselors.net/
Posted by: Marriage Counselors | August 27, 2009 at 03:48 AM